just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
That accounts for only three of the penises
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
