Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
