she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Randomize
