Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
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