Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
