I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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