He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
