So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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