I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Randomize
