Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
