even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
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