respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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