I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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