I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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