***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
