I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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