I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
