the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
