He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
