Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
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