I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
