just do it
fine only cuz shes asian
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
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