That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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