I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Randomize
