I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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