I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
