Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
