Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
