Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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