please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
