you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
