So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
