I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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