I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Randomize
