the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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