1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
How does one acquire holy water?
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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