I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
NoShamevember. You game?
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
