seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
