he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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