The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
