just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Everything about him screamed your future.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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