You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize
