Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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