I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
