you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
