I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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