Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
