My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Randomize
