$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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