my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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