you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
